When Worlds Collide

I first started reading food blogs because I genuinely had absolutely no idea what/how to eat. I had been “prescribed” meal plans to follow in order to gain weight, and I had self-devised meal plans to match whatever disordered thoughts/fears I had at that time. When it came to normal eating? I didn’t have a clue. I initially lurked on a message forum for students and found a thread called, “what did you eat today?”. I read it every.single.day. I was intrigued- a morbid fascination with how people without eating disorders picked their food and ate according to hunger/schedule/cravings. This whole concept was entirely foreign to me. In time, I discovered food blogs. This was about 2-3 years ago now and there were nowhere near as many as there are now. I read them every day- stared longingly at foods I could never imagine myself eating, was awestruck by how these people managed to COOK and EAT and get on with their lives. Studying, work, family…as well as eating? What a novel concept. That sounds sarcastic- trust me, it’s not. All the people I knew at that point in “real life” struggled with the same difficulties I did. None of us ate “normally”- granted, some were further along in recovery than others, but I didn’t have any regular contact with anyone who had a healthy relationship with food.

Fast forward to now. I still read blogs. I LOVE food blogs. Why? I’m not sure. It’s no secret that people with eating disorders are obsessed with food. It’s no secret that this this is a response to starvation that doesn’t always go away, even after years of regular healthy eating habits. But is it healthy for somebody with an eating disorder to spend so much time reading about food?

There are varying opinions on this, and obviously it is different for everyone. What works for one person won’t work for another. I can only speak for myself.

So why do I read blogs? A huge part of me really still doesn’t quite ‘get’ how non-disordered people eat. Intellectually, I can grasp the idea, but I have no personal experience of this that I can recall. I eat by the clock, I eat a specific number of calories a day and I get more annoyed than anything if my body sends out a sign asking for a drink/snack. It’s not time yet, dammit. I have also not found a way to juggle eating properly with any other “life” stuff. I haven’t found a way to manage both recovery and ‘life’ at the same time. I read to 1) learn about food, cooking, health (just to name a few) and 2) because I look up to people who have found a place where they are successfully balancing health/food/work/fun/goals. Not that I put people on pedestals or imagine that all is peachy in their worlds, but I have the upmost respect for those of you out ther who are actively working towards (or have reached) a happy-medium. I’ve reintroduced and discovered a myriad of foods I never would have dreamed of eating through reading blogs- baking my own muffins? Peanut butter in oatmeal? ‘Crack wraps’? Genuis. Granted, they take a lot of preplanning and need to meet my ‘criteria’, but it’s a hell of a lot further forward than this time 3 years ago when my idea of variety was eating a different flavour of Nutrigrain bar for my snack.

It’s a hobby. It’s fun. It’s interesting, educational and it’s therapeutic. For me. I’ve ‘met’ some incredible people, both in real-life and online through blogging. All interested in health and food. Something I am passionate about- but is this passion a manifestation of my disorder, or would this be a common interest regardless of how my relationship with food has been?

It has been suggested to me that a person who should be moving away from a pre-occupation with food would be better off doing other things to fill their time than reading about what people are/aren’t eating. My opinion on that is that I am going to be thinking about food, regardless. Either I will be reading about healthy lifestyles or I will be trapped in my own thoughts and obsessing endlessly about what I am/am not eating, what rigid regime I should be following. Clearly, this is not ‘recovery’. This is just the way I channel my food obsession. Is it healthy? I don’t know. Is it better than the alternative? Yes.

I can’t help but wonder what other people think of this issue, in general. There has been a huge surge in both food blogs and recovery blogs- some combine the two, some are separate. I love both- I love hearing about people’s lives, their hopes, their goals, their triumphs and their tears. I love that people are so honest and open and I learn something from every blog I read. I relate so much to what I read, regardless of who is writing it or what has prompted them to post. But sometimes I feel very out of place commenting on food/fitness blogs. I wonder what people think of me- if they think I am the same person that lurked years ago, wishing I had “permission” to eat the foods they ate? If my opinion is immediately disregarded because what would I know about good food/healthy lifestyle if I have eaten nothing but tuna and fat free yogurt for the past X years? Obviously I do eat a whole bunch of different things and definitely get variety. But I still wonder what bloggers without a disordered past think about the ‘merge’ between food blogs and eating disorders blogs.

I really hope that I haven’t stepped on anyone’s toes with this post. I wasn’t going to write it, but it’s been on my mind for a while and I would LOVE to hear what you think

• Why do you read blogs?
• What do you think about food blogs in eating disorders recovery?
• If you struggle with an eating disorder, do you feel like reading fo0d blogs helps you or feeds your obsession?
• If you don’t have a history of an eating disorder, how do you feel when someone who is open about their issues commenting on your blog?