When Worlds Collide

I first started reading food blogs because I genuinely had absolutely no idea what/how to eat. I had been “prescribed” meal plans to follow in order to gain weight, and I had self-devised meal plans to match whatever disordered thoughts/fears I had at that time. When it came to normal eating? I didn’t have a clue. I initially lurked on a message forum for students and found a thread called, “what did you eat today?”. I read it every.single.day. I was intrigued- a morbid fascination with how people without eating disorders picked their food and ate according to hunger/schedule/cravings. This whole concept was entirely foreign to me. In time, I discovered food blogs. This was about 2-3 years ago now and there were nowhere near as many as there are now. I read them every day- stared longingly at foods I could never imagine myself eating, was awestruck by how these people managed to COOK and EAT and get on with their lives. Studying, work, family…as well as eating? What a novel concept. That sounds sarcastic- trust me, it’s not. All the people I knew at that point in “real life” struggled with the same difficulties I did. None of us ate “normally”- granted, some were further along in recovery than others, but I didn’t have any regular contact with anyone who had a healthy relationship with food.

Fast forward to now. I still read blogs. I LOVE food blogs. Why? I’m not sure. It’s no secret that people with eating disorders are obsessed with food. It’s no secret that this this is a response to starvation that doesn’t always go away, even after years of regular healthy eating habits. But is it healthy for somebody with an eating disorder to spend so much time reading about food?

There are varying opinions on this, and obviously it is different for everyone. What works for one person won’t work for another. I can only speak for myself.

So why do I read blogs? A huge part of me really still doesn’t quite ‘get’ how non-disordered people eat. Intellectually, I can grasp the idea, but I have no personal experience of this that I can recall. I eat by the clock, I eat a specific number of calories a day and I get more annoyed than anything if my body sends out a sign asking for a drink/snack. It’s not time yet, dammit. I have also not found a way to juggle eating properly with any other “life” stuff. I haven’t found a way to manage both recovery and ‘life’ at the same time. I read to 1) learn about food, cooking, health (just to name a few) and 2) because I look up to people who have found a place where they are successfully balancing health/food/work/fun/goals. Not that I put people on pedestals or imagine that all is peachy in their worlds, but I have the upmost respect for those of you out ther who are actively working towards (or have reached) a happy-medium. I’ve reintroduced and discovered a myriad of foods I never would have dreamed of eating through reading blogs- baking my own muffins? Peanut butter in oatmeal? ‘Crack wraps’? Genuis. Granted, they take a lot of preplanning and need to meet my ‘criteria’, but it’s a hell of a lot further forward than this time 3 years ago when my idea of variety was eating a different flavour of Nutrigrain bar for my snack.

It’s a hobby. It’s fun. It’s interesting, educational and it’s therapeutic. For me. I’ve ‘met’ some incredible people, both in real-life and online through blogging. All interested in health and food. Something I am passionate about- but is this passion a manifestation of my disorder, or would this be a common interest regardless of how my relationship with food has been?

It has been suggested to me that a person who should be moving away from a pre-occupation with food would be better off doing other things to fill their time than reading about what people are/aren’t eating. My opinion on that is that I am going to be thinking about food, regardless. Either I will be reading about healthy lifestyles or I will be trapped in my own thoughts and obsessing endlessly about what I am/am not eating, what rigid regime I should be following. Clearly, this is not ‘recovery’. This is just the way I channel my food obsession. Is it healthy? I don’t know. Is it better than the alternative? Yes.

I can’t help but wonder what other people think of this issue, in general. There has been a huge surge in both food blogs and recovery blogs- some combine the two, some are separate. I love both- I love hearing about people’s lives, their hopes, their goals, their triumphs and their tears. I love that people are so honest and open and I learn something from every blog I read. I relate so much to what I read, regardless of who is writing it or what has prompted them to post. But sometimes I feel very out of place commenting on food/fitness blogs. I wonder what people think of me- if they think I am the same person that lurked years ago, wishing I had “permission” to eat the foods they ate? If my opinion is immediately disregarded because what would I know about good food/healthy lifestyle if I have eaten nothing but tuna and fat free yogurt for the past X years? Obviously I do eat a whole bunch of different things and definitely get variety. But I still wonder what bloggers without a disordered past think about the ‘merge’ between food blogs and eating disorders blogs.

I really hope that I haven’t stepped on anyone’s toes with this post. I wasn’t going to write it, but it’s been on my mind for a while and I would LOVE to hear what you think

• Why do you read blogs?
• What do you think about food blogs in eating disorders recovery?
• If you struggle with an eating disorder, do you feel like reading fo0d blogs helps you or feeds your obsession?
• If you don’t have a history of an eating disorder, how do you feel when someone who is open about their issues commenting on your blog?

What I Learned This Week

A long overdue update I’ve been back for almost a week and my trip to New York almost feels like it never happened.

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these posts, so without further ado, here’s what I learned this week…

• Breakfast foods never get old…especially when they contain honey or Quark… 

Cooked oats + protein powder (cold) mashed up with Quark and blueberries

Cold oatmeal mashed up with pumpkin and Fage honey twin pot

• Just because something LOOKS like a Nutrigrain bar, doesn’t mean it will taste like one. Betty Lou’s cherry fruit bar (a sample) tasted just like cherry pie with a strong taste of almond in the crust

• When I am craving chocolate, a dark chocolate walnut Clif Nectar bar does not hit the spot.

• When I am craving chocolate at breakfast time, samples of chocolate brownie Pure bars are perfect…

 Wheat berries, Quark, sliced banana and mini Pure bar

• Allie’s recipe for microwaveable pumpkin pie is a great excuse to eat dessert way to add extra protein and nutrients at breakfast

1/2 cup pumpkin, 2 egg whites, cinnamon and sugar free maple syrup

• Using my coupons from Annie’s Organics to buy microwaveable mac and cheese was a good choice

Adding in spinach and mixed herbs was also a good choice!

• My new protein powder makes an amazing nutella flavoured snack-sized ‘breakfast’ cookie

2 tbsp oats, 1 tbsp protein powder, raisins, 1/2 tbsp peanut butter, 1/2 tbsp milk

• If it were up to me, I would rename this product I sampled:

I would call it, “A Delicious Alternative To Peanut Butter”. Catchy, no? It was good, but it was not “better” than peanut butter.

Banana oatmeal pancakes, Quark and Better ‘n’ Peanut Butter

• Onion squash is 1) cheaper than other kinds of squash, 2) far easier to cut, 3) much faster to cook, and 4) delicious

 Felafel and laughing cow cheese wrap with roasted onion squash

• Anxiety can lead us to believe strange things until we have evidence to counteract those ideas/beliefs.
• Daylight Savings makes for really bad lighting for dinner photography
• My idea of a bargain is this: 1 hour of psychotherapy = $100. Series 8 of Scrubs = $60 = 7-8 hours.
• I prefer posting whatever I am thinking about rather than food and product reviews- it’s been fun to try new things and write about them, but “food blogging” is not for me.
• Bodies are better adapting to changes in food/exercise than we give them credit for and don’t suddenly gain weight with small changes.
• It’s really good to be home…

To those of you in San Fransisco this weekend, have an amazing time at the Foodbuzz Festival! Everyone else, enjoy your weekend, wherever you are and whatever you are doing.

Question of the day week: what’s the best thing you have eaten this week?

NYC 2009- Recap Poetry!

I was going to make a list (and check it twice)

but figured a poem would be fun and nice

So here I go with my rhyming skills

Maybe you’ll cringe? Or get the chills!

* * *

Good times were had with old friends and new,

Walking around under skies so blue

 

I ate at both Candle and Babycakes

Good times were had, new friends I did make

I ate Hugh Jass salads from the Whole Foods bar

and samples of Revolution Foods that came from afar

I don’t usually like to eat things like chips

but smooshed in a sandwich- I licked my lips!

I learned the hard way that friends come and go,

that things change in time and people grow.

I ate so much tofu, I started to worry

Needlessly? The issue is blurry.

I earned a nickname at my Starbucks store,

“Decaf” they call me- it’s better than ‘whore’?

I set a PR for staying off a scale,

As bad as I feared? Time will tell.

Also a PR for no nut butters or oats-

not gonna lie, I missed them totes

I was sent a sample that sounded great

Jammy Sammy- was awesome, mate!

Not quite the bowl I was hankering for

but cinnamon and apples and oats galore!

I discovered that muffin tops are the best…

…but finding a pan to bake tops proved quite a test!

I also tried other yogurt than Fage

(and this line rhymes with MY pronunciation stage)

I had high hopes for a flavour so fine

 

It tasted like CARROTS in this bowl of mine

I saw celebrities with the paparazz

and got really star struck- I’m cool like that

I stumbled across a movie set

my picture was blurry- I was pretty upset

The guy leapt out the car and fired a gun

Didn’t see the rest but the bad guy won!

I had some great views when I ate my lunch

Beloved power sandwich, I did munch

 

But before I end this poem of mine,

I wanted to take another moment of your time

to show you a photo which rings so true

Because we all have times when we’re feeling blue

And on that note, I bid farewell

to the city I love- it’s really been swell

to see my family and friends old and new

and see the world through a different view

I’m glad that it’s time for me to go back home

Because this city is crazy and, “when in Rome…”

*********

I leave tomorrow and need to pack and say goodbye to my family. Overall, it’s been a great few weeks Next post will be from Scotland!

Macro Vegetarian Review

I was going to review the products I received the other day as I ate them, but due to my internet situation, thought it was easier to put the reviews all together in one post. So here it goes

The first thing I tried was the Macro Sushi. I’ve only had sushi once before, so I was excited to try this.

So pretty! This was INCREDIBLE. This was the perfect lunch for me to pack and eat on the go… That’s what is so great about these products to me- they are literally ready to pop open and eat as they are, with no crazy ingredients or price tags that come with fast food or restaurant meals. Though if I was served this in a restaurant, I’d be a very happy customer. And seriously. It’s purple. I think sushi is one of the most photogenic foods around. I always feel like a celebrity eating it (and sitting by the Gossip Girl filming helped!)

Next I tried the BBQ tofu. I had high hoped for this- BBQ sauce + tofu? What’s not to love? (Okay, let’s not mention how disastrous my own attempt to make BBQ tofu turned out…)

The salad contains spinach, onions, carrots, summer squash and green beans. And a whole lot of tofu! This was great…how they manage to get the tofu so crisp on the outside, but so perfectly chewy inside is still a mystery. The BBQ sauce was amazing… I ate this cold, but I think this would be great in a sandwich or heated up too.

Despite the fact that I vowed to never eat Thai food again, this caught my eye because the TVP sounded interesting…with pretty awesome nutritionals. 35g protein?!

With broccoli, spinach, red onion, carrots and roasted butternut squash. I ended up pulling off the Thai “Chicken” and putting it back in the container. So I could save it for last…because it was THAT good. An incredible dense and chewy texture with a light yet flavourful marinade. I think this would be amazing with rice, in a wrap…or just cold, straight up out of the container like I did. I would describe the flavour better, but I have no clue what spices were in this, just that they worked perfectly together…not spicy, not bland, just the kind of lingering sweet and savoury combination that makes your taste buds flutter. Do taste buds flutter? Try this and get back to me.

For lunch on Friday, I threw this in my bag…

I planned to pick up a salad to round out the meal a bit, but decided against spending $8 on a few limp lettuce leaves at South Street Seaport!

I loved the different textures in this. The crisp and crunchy corn, the soft and spongy tofu and the beans that popped when I bit into them. 21g of protein, 40% of the RDA of calcium…with a light and flavourful coating? Delish. I liked that this wasn’t ‘saucy’ enough to need anything added to it, but had enough flavour that if you wanted to add extra things to it to bulk it out, it would work well. I think it would be great in pitta bread or a rice salad…though I was more than happy to eat it straight out of the container, looking over the water

Next I tried the curry tofu.

The flavour of this one was incredible- it wasn’t spicy, but the curry marinade gave the tofu an amazing bite. The tofu itself had a strange texture- almost soggy? The other ones were far more crisp, and this one also had a watery sauce on the bottom of the container with globlets of oil that was a little off putting. It didn’t taste greasy, but I think this one would definitely benefit from being heated and served with rice. It’s NOT like me to base meals so heavily on one food group, without some kind of grain, but I have to say that it’s been great to really be able to fully enjoy and appreciate these products as they come. Perfect dorm-room food! (I don’t live in a dorm, but have no cooking facilities right now).

On Saturday, I had plans with a friend to spend the afternoon together and go to my diner for dinner. I was pumped. But plans fell through last minute… I toyed with the idea of going myself for one final dinner there, but it was raining and cold and I had this in my fridge:

I had never had lo-mein before. Noodles? TVP? I’m interested. A couple of things I want to say about this- first of all, I ate it cold as I usually do whether I have cooking facilities or not, and it was good. A little heavy on the cilantro for my tastes, but otherwise very tasty. The fat content in this meal is very low- as I was eating it, it seemed kind of greasy to me. I, of course, panicked and started doubting the nutritional facts and panicking about ALL the products I have eaten. I pushed those thoughts aside and carried on eating. Waiting for the ‘grease’ to land on my lips…which didn’t happen. My paper plate after I was finished was completely dry. I was confused! Then I realised that whilst I HATE ‘dry’ foods, the majority of my ‘sauces’ come from condiments. Ketchup, mainly. The epitome of class, I know. I am not used to ‘real’ sauces- I like them a lot, but I am a “Weight Watcher’s Baby” (ie, I grew up with a mom permanently on the old-school Weight Watcher’s diet) and it is forever ingrained in my head that certain foods just aren’t “worth it”. Sauces are one of them. I always order food with sauce on the side, so it was strange (in a good way!) to eat something delicately coated in a delicious light sauce. I am not great at identifying different flavours, but whatever spices in this were good.  I’d prefer to buy one of the other “chicken” products and add my own noodles (this was a little skimpy on the TVP) but this would make a great lunch/dinner to pick up if you are on the go.

The company also make a whole bunch more products which I haven’t had time to sample yet, but they include black bean salad, “chicken” salads, dumplings, chickpea masala, Peking “duck” and seaweed salads. Every product is suitable for vegans, and a lot of them are wheat free. Most of the vegetables and grains are organically grown and none of the meals contain additives or preservatives. I can’t tell you how impressed I have been with all of the foods I have tried from this company and highly recommend keeping an eye out for these products.

I know that there is a lot of controversy about soy products, and I remain very much on the fence about how safe it is to consume. From what I understand, unless you are intolerant or have a thyroid problem, it’s fine in moderation. Though I have also heard otherwise… It’s one of those issues that the jury seems to be very much “out” on and the more I read, the more confused I get. Though this article about soy intake and reduced hip fractures was interesting.

All in all, fast food doesn’t get much better than this and I’d like to thank Todd at One Stop Natural for giving me the opportunity to try these products, and opening my eyes to a whole new side of vegetarian food!

Poppin’ and Lockin’ and Dumplings to Boot!

I had a great day! Started off at the ungodly hour of 4:30am when I headed out to get coffee. Not just any coffee- the best hazelnut coffee in the world. Or at least, this area of Manhattan and my neighbourhood in Scotland, and therefore *my* world.

Banana, Oikos and Nature’s Path maple flax crunch cereal. I love this cereal! I poured a little water over a portion last night to soften it and it was slightly soggy and oh-so-good. As for the Oikos… I’m not sold. Don’t get me wrong- I LIKE it, but I prefer Fage. Oikos just doesn’t have the same creamy ‘oh-my-god-this-is-amazing’ thing going on.

Once it was a slightly more reasonable hour to be out and about (ie, 7am) I went to my aunt and uncle’s house. I made them oatmeal pancakes! My uncle tasted them and said, “they are different…not bad, just different” before running off to play with his dog. I should have snapped a picture of his breakfast- he eats the same thing every day, and declares it the best thing he has ever eaten every day. A huge bowl filled with handfuls of Kashi Go Lean, random tid-bits of other cereals, chopped fresh fruit, dried fruit, nuts and 2% milk. He waved his hands around and said, “You wanna know why I love this meal so much? Because I know that everything I am eating is doing great stuff for my body”. Before drumming on his chest like Tarzan, yelling his signature, “SA SA!”. I was asking him about when he ran the NY marathon, and turns out that he also ran the Boston marathon. He didn’t even START running until he was in his 50’s! Love this guy!

I had some bits and pieces to do before my lunch date, so snacked on this to hold me over…

Promax sent me these bars to try- I am never really sure what “cookies ‘n’ cream” refers to…do people dip cookies in cream? Regardless, this bar was tasty. I love the chalky texture of protein bars, as opposed to the soy crispy kind, and this bar was a good size to grab and go. Though I don’t think a 70 calorie bar can really be called “high energy”.  Am I the only one who wasn’t aware that Pure bars are owned by Promax?

Then I got hopelessly lost in a grid system that wasn’t a grid. Seriously, it went like this: 14th St, 13th St, 8th St, 4th St. I am no maths genius, but that does not make sense to me. Eventually I found Sea Thai Bistro where I was meeting Missy and Jacelyn for lunch! Marina was supposed to join us to, but was sick. You were missed, Marina!

Again, lunchtime = lunchtime specials. In this case, a free appetizer with an entree.

For my appetizer I ordered the steamed vegetable dumplings…

And as an entree, the steamed tofu and vegetables.

You can’t see the tofu, because there wasn’t any. I have never had Thai food before so I don’t know if this was a ‘typical’ dish, but I really didn’t enjoy this meal at all. Both the dumplings and the sauce had some strange flavour that I could not identify except for the fact that I didn’t like it. I had great company though, and that’s what counts. Was great to finally meet Missy and Jacelyn!

Then I headed back uptown to meet my friend for coffee. When I got out the subway, I was greeted by THIS:

I miss my dancing days! When they finished, one of the guys yelled out, “Obama wants change- we want dollars” Haha. Love it!

My fun didn’t stop at this point, but this post is getting VERY long so I’ll end here… I apologise for being so ridiculously behind in even reading, never mind commenting right now. My internet access is very limited right now and while I could take my laptop somewhere, my back/hip are still causing a lot of pain so I can’t really lug around my wannabe-a-desktop computer. I’ll be back to regular posting soon

Uptown Girls

Today has been awesome

Started off with an amazing breakfast:

Nutridel almond cookie crumbled over banana and a Fage 2% strawberry twin pot.

 

As far as flavoured Greek yogurts go, I have yet to find one quite as good as Fage 2%. Yeah, yeah…it’s not fat free. It’s worth it (and less calories than Chobani’s fat free so don’t be put off by the fat content).

Nutridel cookie review: I liked it a lot- nowhere near as much as the oatmeal one I tried. It didn’t have the almond flavour I was hoping for, but was deliciously crisp and tasty nonetheless.

 

Then I headed out to roam the streets and take random photos…

Only in New York can trash cans be ‘cool’

Then it was lunchtime! Last week I headed downtown to meet Marina for lunch, today I headed to an uptown location to meet Leslie at Candle Cafe.

 

It was one of those menus where literally every single thing sounded amazing…

I love wraps, so went with that. Not that I doubted Candle’s culinary skills, but everything tastes good wrapped, right?   I nixed the rice and ginger sauce (ICK) and got the creamy pineapple dressing on the side (which I am told was made from tofu, agave nectar, pineapple and vinegar).

It was INCREDIBLE! I ate all the wrap and most of the salad…conversation flowed, then we left and wandered towards Columbus Circle hoping to catch a glimpse of Obama. No luck

I headed home (again, I forget how much walking I do here!) and stopped for coffee…and a snack. I tried a chunk of one of the bars that Nature’s Path sent me.

 

I have seen the Orange Chocolate Optimum bar around, and hadn’t tried it for a few reasons.

1. I don’t like fruit and chocolate together
2. I HATE citrus fruits
3. I like snack bars to have more protein
4. I prefer the texture of bars like Balance to granola-type

So, I was in no rush to try this. I figured I should give it a whirl before lugging the case home with me to see if it was worth it. Verdict? I really liked it *falls on floor in shock* Orange and chocolate pair well together- the chocolate cuts the acidity that I hate in citrus fruits and the orange gave it a nice tang. It was softer than a Clif bar so probably not great at holding up in a backpack without getting squashed, but definitely a good bar to keep on hand.

I arrived back at where I am staying to two INCREDIBLE packages.

First up, the prize I won from Michelle’s giveaway.

Yay coupons! I am so excited to try the Zen soy pudding and Maranatha nut butter! She sent me the most lovely note too:

Thank you, Michelle!

THEN another package arrived while I was chatting at reception. A guy walked in with a box for me. I took it, said “thank you” and he said, “wait…there is more in the van”.

O.M.G. When One Stop Natural said that they were sending me some products, I had no IDEA there would be so much! THANK YOU (and special thank you to Charlie, the delivery guy!) Looks like I will be eating a lot of tofu for my last week here… You know I have said that I worry about the dangers of eating too much soy? Well, watch this space. Could put an end to the debate in my head once and for all

I took some of the dumplings over to my aunt and uncle’s place…

They are not the most adventurous of eaters and never eat things like this. Both of them LOVED these!

My uncle’s review: “I’ll try anything once- I might spit it out, but I’ll try it. But these are incredible!!!!”

I am so excited to try everything! I couldn’t fit it all in my fridge, but I knew a certain hungry hippie might appreciate some macrobiotic vegan food… Mission accomplished. Check her blog to see if she liked it (and congratulate her on her half marathon!)

**********

I loved hearing all your family food traditions- they all sounded great to me! I have to say that I am most intrigued by Janetha’s brother dipping his burritos in milk…though one of my favourite things to eat is mushrooms dipped in ketchup, so who am I to judge?

So onto regional foods… When I came to New York a few years ago, I was given an apple and a pack of peanut butter to have as a snack. I was confused beyond words and proceeded to eat them separately. I had never heard of eating them together! Though I grew up eating PBJ sandwiches, and was the laughing stock at school surrounded by kids eating peanut butter and ham sandwiches. So what are locals known for where you live?

• Scots are known for deep-frying, but Britain in general- butter on sandwiches (whether the filling is turkey, cheese or peanut butter, butter is in there too!)
• Breakfasts are generally along the lines of cornflakes + milk/toast with butter + jam/marmalade. Things like waffles, muffins and pancakes are nowhere near as widely eaten. If you order waffles here, they are likely to be potato waffles which are more like tater tots.
• Desserts like apple pie/cobbler are traditionally served with custard, not ice cream.
• Chicken/tuna/egg salad doesn’t exist as it does in America. If you order a chicken salad sandwich, you get just that: chicken and salad (which makes sense to me!) The closest we have is chicken or tuna mayonnaise, which is literally tuna/chicken and mayonnaise, often with canned corn. Served on buttered bread or a buttered baked potato.

Just What The Doctor Ordered

This weekend has been pretty chilled out. I think part of last week ending in the mess it did was partly due to just being really tired. I forget how exhausting New York is! One of the reasons I LOVE the city is the same reason that at times I hate it… It’s so busy, so full of energy, so “go-go-go” that it’s almost impossible not to fall in-between the gaps, become just another face in the crowds and lose any sense of self.

This weekend my body screamed, “REST” so that was what I did

I used my coupons from Stonyfield and picked up some Oikos.

Low-fat corn muffin, vanilla Oikos and banana

Verdict: This tasted good, but was nowhere near as thick and creamy as the Fage I am used to. The vanilla taste was very subtle- was more like a very slightly sweetened plain yogurt. I have some more flavours to try…

Trader Joe’s trip- this time a successful one! I tried their coffee sample with Stevia and soy creamer- OMG! I’ve never tried either before, but it was an amazing cup of coffee. Too bad Stevia doesn’t come in packs I can steal from coffee shops is so expensive.

I DID pick up the wrap I used to love and it was every bit as good as I remembered.

Turkey, Swiss cheese, Dijon dressing, spinach and tomato on a garlic and herb tortilla. I love that they use FRESH turkey rather than processed plasticky stuff.

Good job, Joe.

The weather was very Scottish-like pretty miserable here this weekend and my energy levels were rock bottom…enter, comfort food.

Another corn muffin, mashed up in some milk

Hand down, the best way to eat baked goods. Seriously, my whole family do this and it’s amazing! Okay, the best way may be with Babycakes frosting, but this is a close runner-up.

I really wanted to have Chinese food for dinner, but was too lazy tired to brave the elements again, so picked this up on my way home.

With some random hot/cold food bar items from Whole Foods.

Spinach, pineapple, red rice, roasted eggplant and baked onions

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to try this brand of tofu- it was amazing! Why does my tofu never come out like this? Slightly crispy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.

So my weekend was nothing overly exciting, but I definitely feel a whole lot better this evening than I did at the end of last week.

This week’s agenda: 2 blogger lunches

Question of the day: Are there food traditions your family have that others don’t? Mine do the cake/muffins mashed in milk and also always serve applesauce with roast chicken. Oh, and ketchup with eggs (I always thought this was standard, but apparently not!)

Stasis, Unabridged

THANK YOU for your comments on yesterday’s post. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I submitted it- these thoughts have been brewing for a while. Not necessarily the parts specifically about New York, but about struggles with food/weight in general. I like to pretend that those anxieties aren’t there. And sometimes they aren’t…but right now, they are very much present.

There’s been a huge shift in blogs over the last year- far less talk about calories and weight loss, and far more on body acceptance. I often feel like I have to censor what I say here and feel strangely out of place going against the grain and writing that I feel uncomfortable in my body, or that I am unhappy about my weight. We’ve all heard about Operation Beautiful- which, for the record, I think is a really cool idea and one part of me really DOES believe that in the grand scheme of things, weight doesn’t matter. A size is just a size, a number is just a number. It’s not what makes you who you are. But a very big part of me is still wrapped up in that- not because I pay much attention to how I actually look, but it’s an obsession I can’t shake off. Calories are more than calories, weight is more than weight. Nothing is at face value to me- I don’t see my reflection and think, “damn, I should have packed my hairbrush”. I look at my reflection and I see my 12 year old self staring back at me, empty eyes, unanswered questions, taking up space I don’t deserve. I rarely look at myself and notice my size or shape, but I fixate a lot on numbers. Calories, weight, measurements. For someone who has always hated maths of any kind, I definitely devote a hell of a lot of time adding things up, subtracting, calculating. Sometimes I wonder how I would fill that time if I STOPPED counting. What I would think about, what I would fill my notepads with…how I would function in a world that often doesn’t make sense to me. Numbers are predictable- 2 + 2 = 4. I like that. I like the science behind food and numbers, as confusing as it is at times. When I am stressed out, there is a comfort to me in curling up with a notepad and losing myself in endless hours of adding/subtracting/dividing. How many ounces of yogurt? How many teaspoons of raisins? “How can I concoct a perfectly balanced breakfast?” really means, “how can I make sure my day starts off in a way that is going to make me feel safe and secure?”

It can drive me crazy. It can also keep me sane.

I work hard to keep things in balance… I eat a lot of the same foods because it frees up a lot of thinking time. Too MUCH thinking time and my thoughts run away from me. Too much variation in my diet and the obsessions take over. I try to keep things on an even keel, because tipping over into either territory leads to nothing good. Short-term, at least. I am sure that riding out one or the other long enough would eventually bring some sort of acceptance and happiness, but I’m not the most patient of people and long-term happiness over short-term discomfort doesn’t appeal to me.

So when I say that calorie counting works for me, this is what I mean. Not because it gives me precise control over my body/weight, but because it keeps my anxiety at bay, my moods under control. It’s not about how I look or the size of my jeans, it’s about how I feel about myself/the world around me. It’s a language I understand. It’s a coping skill- albeit, a maladaptive one, but at least I am aware that 1) it IS a coping skill and not a true sense of control, and 2) that it IS maladaptive and there are better ways to deal with my thoughts/feelings. I just haven’t found them yet. I am under no illusion that *this* is recovery, but it’s progress for me.

How do you deal with uncomfortable feelings?..

I really don’t want my blog to revert back to just eating disorders talk all the time, so moving on…

Today has been better. Here’s why:

1) I slept until 6am- 6 whole glorious hours of sleep, waking up with hazelnut coffee from the 24-hour convenience store, and a yogurt bowl.

Banana, peach Chobani, Nature’s Path maple pecan crunch.

2) I took lots of random photos around the city…

3) I had lunch with my grandpa

Chicken and feta wrap, copious amounts of tzatziki and ketchup added

I love spending time with my family. Especially when it involves get-togethers in my diner

4) I got some cool things in the mail…

5) I had my FIRST HOMEMADE GOOD IN ABOUT 10 YEARS (my own homemade stuff doesn’t count )

I won Averie’s giveaway!

Oh em geee… Blondie macaroons. These are as amazing as they look.

Finger lickin’ good. For real. I am not sure whether to 1) move to Arizona, 2) sell my oven and use the money to buy the gear to make these myself, or 3) spread the word about Averie’s skills and hope that she sets up a big enough bakery to feed hungry bloggers via mail order really really soon. Thank you so much, Averie!

6) I was given some extra special bloggie love yesterday by Abby.

I love Abby’s blog. I find myself nodding in agreement to everything she writes, and LOVE reading her comments on my posts. I secretely think we are long-lost twins. Though having just announced that on the internet, it’s no secret anymore.

There are so many blogs out there than never fail to inspire me, make me think, make me feel less alone. It’s hard to pick just two people to pass this on to, but I am going to give it to:

1. Holly, who has provided endless support, humour, entertainment and wisdom. A fab lady behind her blog (and her sunglasses).
2. Leslie who is wise beyond her years, a fabulous writer, photographer and somebody who I know for a fact is as genuine, caring, intelligent and kind as she appears on her blog. Also my lunch date for Tuesday

And finally…

7) there is going to be a change to my blog pretty soon…details will come, but I am excited about it. Emails are currently going back and forth and I will update you when it’s all ready

What made your Friday awesome?

Dutch Courage

It’s been a while since I’ve used my blog as a ‘journal’ the same way that I did for the first few months when I was writing, and maybe it’s the painkillers talking, but tonight I need to vent. No witty lame jokes, no glitzy pictures, no hiding behind the mask I am hoping will one day become my true self.

I’ve been in New York for 10 days. I haven’t weighed myself for 11 days- the longest I have gone without knowing my weight in about 10 years. The amount of anxiety this is causing is, at times, unbearable. There have been countless frantic text messages sent to my parents, calls to the airline to try and get an earlier flight home, random bursts of tears in grocery stores trying to find something ‘safe’ to eat.

It’s rare that I step out of my comfort zone in any big way. I talk about it before I left and kind of reassured myself that it was going to be okay, that this trip was going to be fun. I AM having good times. But the moments inbetween are excruciating.

Yesterday and today, I have bought lunch from Trader Joes. I remember eating their pre-packaged sandwiches a lot last year and they were ‘safe’ then. I stood in front of the sandwich cabinet for almost an hour today… Nothing looked the same, nothing looked ‘okay’. There are only two varieties that I eat- I had one in each hand and both of them felt like bricks. Mental images of these blocks of concrete lying in my stomach flashed in front of my eyes. I left Trader Joes and went to Whole Foods figuring salad would be safe. I couldn’t see the salad bar- I saw the containers, but no delicious tofu salads or vitamin packed edemame blends. I saw oil, dressings, calories. It was as if I was in a horror movie- I looked down at my hands and suddenly they looked grossly deformed, swelling, expanding. My face felt puffy, my body suddenly felt foreign.

I don’t know if I have gained weight here. I don’t know if I am eating too much, not enough…there is no WAY that I can tell. I count calories, but right now, it’s estimates. Probably pretty close estimates, but estimates all the same. I can’t gauge hunger cues or energy levels so I am pretty much winging it right now, keeping things as close to what I know as possible.

This time last year, I flew back to New York for a week. I don’t remember much of that time…oatmeal eaten in the dark at 5am, frantic phone calls back home, hours and hours of walking. ALL of my trips to New York have ended like that- several days/weeks where everything falls apart, every ounce of rationale flies out the window, every ‘coping skill’ I’ve ever been taught gets completely forgotten. And every time I have landed back in the UK, I feel like my brain is in a thousand pieces, my heart shattered like glass.

I romanticise New York. I came a few years ago straight from inpatient treatment for 3 weeks and I was doing well. My mom was with me, and I had an amazing time. I will forever associate this city with health because of that one trip. And yet I come back, hoping to recapture that happiness, only to find, once again, that the answer was never in New York itself. This city is many things, but a cure for craziness isn’t one of them. The following trips ended like the past few days have been…with me literally collapsing on arrival virtually unable to speak or move for weeks. I thought I’d experienced depression before, but NOTHING matched up to what happened post- New York. I couldn’t even see. Everything was black, people’s voices sounded warped as if I was underwater. I seem to time my trips so I land as fall turns to winter. I wonder if this is relevant? Several weeks spent staring into space, with no concept of time. Followed by several weeks of actually talking to doctors, trying to pull myself together. Then with spring comes a renewed energy, a reignited spark…and so I start planning another trip and it all starts all over again.

I am posting this only because I know that this happens every.single.year. And every year, without fail, I forget. I remember only the trip I took with my mom. I remember being happy here. I remember being healthy, being free, being stable. I want to hold on to that memory for as long as I can, but I also want to remember that it’s a memory and maybe it’s time to leave it in the past and accept that New York can bring out the best in me, but it also has a habit of bringing out the worst.

I don’t know if I’ll regret posting this. Maybe. I think if I didn’t, I’d be in the same position this time next year regretting NOT hitting the “publish to blog” button.

Ladies Who Lunch

Since I wasn’t able to attend Friday’s dinner, Marina and I met for lunch yesterday at one of her favourite restaurants- Wild Ginger.

Lunchtime = lunchtime specials. Love it. As soon as I saw seitan on the menu, my choices were narrowed down. I ordered the smoked teriyaki seitan with the sauce on the side.

The specials came with miso soup…

And of course, when I saw steamed pumpkin as a side dish, I had to order it

Oh, man. I want to go back just for this. Can anyone enlighten me as to why the skin is green? Is this Japanese pumpkin or was I given acorn squash?

We chatted about blogging, New York, food and shoes. You know, the essentials in life Then the entrees were served!

The seitan was delicious! I’ve only had it a couple of times, and can’t wait to try it more ways. I love how chewy and dense it is. The rice had soy beans in it And another wedge of pumpkin? Why yes, I don’t mind if I do! I gave the egg roll to Marina to take home.

Babycakes was just a couple of blocks away so we wandered up there after lunch.

I love this place! Admittedly, partly because the full nutritional information is on their website, but everything really is delicious. I tasted the brownie (OH WOW!) and got an oatmeal raisin cookie which I ate later on…

I also got a slice of cornbread to have for breakfast today.

1/2 slice crumbled on top of banana and plain Chobani. I LOVE CORNBREAD!

Whilst wandering around trying to find the subway, we came across an indoors market. It was a FOOD market…and a very strange one at that. All kinds of unique and bizarre stalls.

 

Beer and pretzel caramel?!

I bought a couple of these lollypops for my brother- maybe I’ll persuade him to do a review

I made it home where I was greeted by two packages. First up, some samples from Betty Lou’s Inc which look delicious!

Aaaaand…a pack of miniature bars from Promax.

My hip is still pretty painful, and not gonna lie… It’s making me more than a little anxious that I can’t exercise at ALL, never mind the amount I want to. But I guess the more I rest, the sooner I heal. Plus, less exercise means I have more time to do fun things. Speaking of which, I have a coffee date today with Blue Eyed Heart. Have a great hump-day!